I DON'T WANT THAT

Jul 31

999999ukes:

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day 1,
there’s something about hospital lights and how they make everything seem traslucent and unreal and i swear i don’t remember anything, but the feeling of unreality. you can’t be gone. no. things like that don’t really happen. not in real life anyway.
day 3,
i should have bought that black dress we saw when we we went to the pier. the one i have is too sexy. and you’re not around to tell me - there’s no such thing.
day 4,
i hate funerals. you’re not here to hold my hand. why did they close the casket? i wish i could see your face.
day 7,
my mother tells me i should eat something.
day 8,
is alcohol food?
day 11,
i haven’t slept in three days. i don’t want to ruin the smell of our bed. it still smells like you. like us.
day 14,
my mother washed the sheets while i was asleep on the couch. i kicked her out. i miss you. no, i don’t want to call her. yes, i will.
day 15,
the guy at the coffee shop asked me where you were today. i said you were on a trip, coming back in a week. it didn’t feel like a lie.
day 21,
our lease is almost up. i don’t know what to do. i can’t think.
day 22,
i’m keeping the apartment.
day 23,
i’m moving out.
day 24,
i can’t move out. it’s our apartment.
day 28,
i extended the lease. no name on it. it feels wrong. all of this feels wrong. come back.
day 30,
it’s been a month. i called your mother. she cried. your dad said to stop calling for a while.
day 35,
your parents want your things back.
day 36,
i can’t bring myself to empty your side of the closet.
day 37,
your shirts still smell like you.
day 38,
my therapist said to stop texting you. apparently it’s bad for me. i told her you dying was pretty crappy. she didn’t think it was funny. maybe i’m losing it.
day 58,
i still miss you every day.
day 65,
500 days of summer came out. i don’t want to watch it without you.
day 80,
i watched it. you would have hated it.
day 100,
i hate christmas.
day 101,
i’m hungover. i miss you. i can’t stop crying. my head hurts.
day 150,
i met someone. i hate that i like him. i hate that he makes me laugh. i hate that you’d think he’s a great guy.
day 170,
we had sex. i cried after.
day 200,
he found a photo of us. said it’s about time i move on. we broke up.
day 201,
i still miss you. i don’t miss him. but you’re not here.
day 270,
i got a haircut. i hate it. i look like a chipmunk.
day 271,
maybe it’s not that bad. it works from some angles.
day 302,
happy anniversary baby.
day 303,
i’m a mess. i hate you for leaving me like this.
day 304,
i don’t hate you. i’m sorry. i love you. i miss you.
day 350,
i quit. i hated that place anyway.
day 357,
i asked for my job back. it wasn’t so bad.
day 365,
i spent the whole day on your bench. now i understand why families make them.
day 370,
i’m moving out.
day 371,
i’m moving in with him. i’m sorry.
day 463,
i still miss you, but sometimes i forget.
day 500,
i’m engaged.

number disconnected

” — m.v., 500 days of grief.  (via findingwordsforthoughts)

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sceptre:

if you didnt take a picture of your starbucks did you really have starbucks

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